If you were raised by a narcissistic mother or other controlling and/or abusive female relative, you may be struggling with an ongoing and difficult relationship. There’s no way to change the past, but there are steps you can take to improve the present and come to terms with what happened in your childhood.

Acknowledge her traits

It’s very common for survivors of narcissistic mothers to minimize the extent of the damage by thinking, “It wasn’t that bad,” or even minimizing her behavior, saying things like, “She only spanked me twice!” Avoid this trap by recognizing that your mother’s behavior was abusive no matter how infrequently it occurred. Moreover, the impact of her behavior is exacerbated by the fact that she was supposed to protect and love you, not attack you.

Realize that you can’t change her

You can only change your reactions to her. People who are the targets of narcissists often spend years trying to get them to act differently, to no avail. Narcissists rarely see their own flaws and aren’t interested in changing for anyone, so don’t waste your time on this.  Instead, focus on working to improve your own reactions to her.

Accept that your mother wasn’t capable of unconditional love or empathy.

It can be hard for adult children of narcissistic mothers to accept that their mothers were completely self-absorbed and unavailable as role models. It’s very painful for adult children to realize that their mothers weren’t able to offer the emotional support, understanding, and acceptance all children need to grow up feeling secure. In addition, it can be very difficult for adult children of narcissistic mothers to realize that their parents were never going to love them the way they needed, no matter how much they sacrificed or accomplished in life.

Accept that you can’t make things “perfect.”

You may have a vision of how your relationship should be or even how it could have been if only your mother had acted differently. This is a pointless exercise because it keeps you focused on the past and can’t ever be realized. Besides, it’s not healthy to put that kind of pressure on yourself.

Accept that your mother was narcissistic, controlling, or abusive.

This is another tough pill to swallow, but it’s important because it helps you let go of the guilt and self-blame you may still be harboring. It also keeps you from trying to explain away her behavior or blaming yourself for what happened. Once you acknowledge that she was abusive, you can focus on your own healing rather than trying to get your mother to change.

Accept that your childhood wasn’t “normal.”

Since narcissistic mothers tend to treat their children as extensions of themselves, they often neglect them emotionally and make it difficult for their children to develop a normal sense of self. It may take years before you overcome feelings of self-doubt and stop questioning your own value.  As a result, you may have a hard time with the normal developmental tasks most children achieve with relative ease.

Seeking a suitable online therapy

It can be a great way to resolve relationship conflicts and gain a better understanding of the challenges you may still be facing. Picking out the best online therapy platforms will ensure that you’re able to work through your issues in the right environment. So make sure to pick a reliable platform and check out reviews of different options before making an informed choice.

Conclusion

Learn to accept that your childhood wasn’t normal and it’s painful to continue wishing for what can never be.  It might help you move on if you remind yourself how the narcissistic mother acts with others and if you learn to pity her for her own unhappiness.